Showing posts tagged with: change

Let It Go

by Ros Kitson

07 28, 2015 | Posted in Uncategorized | 2 comments

Frozen Let it GoSo says the famous song from the Disney movie, Frozen. But what does it actually mean? Letting go is something we regularly need to do. Beliefs become outdated. Baggage, we held onto once, we find we no longer need. Fears we had start to limit us. All these things are examples of where we need to let go. In the song, the character is undergoing a transformation. She has magical powers, which had caused problems in the past when she was too young to understand or control them. We all have powers, even if our powers aren't seen as magical in the Disney sense. Leadership in adults is often seen as being bossy in children. Intelligence can be defined as being a "know it all"; confidence as a show off. Extreme sensitivity can be labelled as weakness by people who don't understand the gift it can be. Many of us have learnt to hide our light under a bushel as did Elsa.  

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I’m Always Stressed. Can You Help Me?

by Ros Kitson

03 03, 2015 | Posted in Uncategorized | 4 comments

I'm stressedI get asked this question a lot.  In fact, it's probably the most common thing people say to me when I explain what I do. However they do not all rush to book appointments.  So I was wondering why this was, if they felt they had a perceived need for my services. And the answers I came up with are here in this blog. Firstly, what do people mean when they say they're stressed all the time.  Well often, they're just very busy people; sometimes they like living their lives at high speed, sometimes they don't.  Sometimes there are areas of conflict in their lives; maybe they don't get along with someone they feel they have to spend time with.  Sometimes people just don't like the life they've made for themselves; sometimes they believe that life has to be tough/painful/etc. Stress can take many different forms.  A certain amount of stress can be useful to us. It can be the impetus that drives us forwards or protects us from harm or failure.  They key is for any experience to contribute positively towards your life. So once I'd found out the nature of the stress, the next question I'd ask is, "what do you want the solution to be?"   It is very important to understand our expectations.  If you have conflict with someone and you want the solution to be that you are able to change that person in some way, you will be disappointed and I cannot help you.  We cannot impose our will on another person with much success.  Even if we do manage to control them, behaviour like that usually leads to resentment which is not an ideal situation.  Far better to work on yourself and you'd be surprised what can change. You may feel stressed due to the amount you do, but you don't want to give any of it up.  You like rushing around for 90% of the time.  You just don't want to feel uncomfortable for the 10%.  While it is possible to create more energy through better nutrition and by clearing the emotional baggage you carry around, I cannot make you super-human.  Often we can get the most energy by learning when to rest. If you believe that life is meant to be hard or that in order to reach any goal, you must have pain and suffering, then that will be the life you create.  Our beliefs are powerful and tend to define us.  If you want to change something, it might involve changing a belief that you've been holding on to. The good news is that if you are open to making changes, then I can help you.  There will always be a reason for why we are having our experiences.  Even if we don't consciously know what they are, they can be revealed during a kinesiology session. Often we are carrying around unresolved baggage, for example, stuff from our past that we couldn't deal with properly at the time. Hanging onto this will determine how we react to events happening to us now. For example, if you find yourself in a situation that you hadn't wanted to be in, and it was unpleasant, you might project that similar experiences happening now will also be unpleasant and feel huge amounts of stress at the thought of having to do them.  I struggled with travelling for many years, because of an unpleasant French exchange experience as a teenager.  For seemingly no reason, I'd become almost paralysed at the though of having to go away anywhere. We also inherit certain beliefs which we then often hold dear.  People sometimes feel that changing beliefs is a sign of weakness, but as we go through life, we learn more and it's healthy for our view of the world to change.  If our beliefs were formed initially from another person, then it might be that they don't really suit us at all.  For example, my father has a belief that financial security is one of the most important things in life, whereas although I have an inherited belief in financial security, it's not the most important thing for me.  This is fortunate as the uncertainty of being self-employed requires me to step out into the unknown and trust. When we clear these blockages, we can make new choices and it's often surprising how easily and quickly things change.  I've worked with clients who have had a totally different experience from a similar situation before and after a session.  Even the way they talked about a stressor changed during a session itself. So if you'd like to make changes in your life, even if you have no idea of where the problems come from or how it will work, come along and see me - I can help you.  

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An Inspirational Film

by Ros Kitson

04 01, 2014 | Posted in Uncategorized | 0 comments

Dalai Lama AwakeningI went to see a film - The Dalai Lama Awakening - at The Wellbeing Centre yesterday evening.  I have to admit I was partially drawn to it because there would be interviews with the Dalai Lama himself and I am a massive admirer. However, it was much more than that.  It was a documentary about a journey of transformation of 40 of the "big thinkers" of the world as they met with the Dalai Lama to try and solve some of the world's problems. They came together, as you may expect, with a process, which they hoped would help them produce a plan.  There were many different types of people, each with their own ideas and inevitably the process broke down.  But what came out of the trip for each of them was a personal transformation - an opening of their hearts and a calming of the ego. The message that came out of the film was "change the world by changing yourself". This resonates with me because this is what I've been working on with myself on my journey.  "Be the change you want to see in the world" is how I remember it (originally said by Ghandi), but it all starts with ourselves. In my sessions with clients, I talk to people about how we can't change those around us, only ourselves.  However, this will still make a difference as when we change, those around us change towards us. The other key thing I learnt is the value and implication of compassion.  Now, I realise the value of it already, but not always the implication of practising it.  The film briefly touched on the Tibet issue and someone suggested imposing sanctions on China.  However after consideration, the Dalai Lama voiced concerns over how that would affect the people of China, most of whom are not guilty of oppressing anyone, and hence how compassionate it would be. I will try to be more aware of the greater effect of my decisions. I have to say it was an inspiring evening and a real pleasure to meet the director who's touring with the film at the moment. If you get the chance to see it, I'd recommend going.

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Why won’t you change!!!!

by Ros Kitson

02 27, 2014 | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 comments

ChangeI've been talking recently to people who have been having "problems" with a partner or someone close to them and I've been asked what they can do about this.  So I thought I'd address this here. Now, firstly, we can't change another person, we can only change ourselves.  It is often very easy to see blocks in someone else or to see their potential.  However, none of us knows someone else's path in life.  Often the thing we feel ought to be changed is not the highest priority for the other person.  I believe we are all the highest authority for our own paths. If we can become more accepting of their differences, and if we can stop trying to control them and let them be themselves, we will find a sense of freedom and peace in our relationships.  So I would suggest we work on our own development rather than trying to change the other person. Secondly, I've found that other people usually don't respond well to being told they ought to change.  If someone (particularly a loved one) is regularly telling you to change, what does that say about how they feel about you as you actually are.  Not a lot, I'd say.  Would you change for someone who doesn't seem to be like who you are? Instead, I'd suggest we focus on the positive in the person.  You can always find it if you look, but if you always focus on the negative, you will only see that.  Try commenting on the things you like and ignoring the things you don't.  That way, they will hear positive things from you and their general perception of your feelings for them will be much higher.  Also, you may well start to feel better towards them too.  The funny thing is, that people often change when they feel safe and accepted, so you may find they then manifest some of the changes you've wanted them too.  However that will only happen if they are the changes they wish to make. Thirdly, we sometimes grow apart from people.  If one person changes and the other one chooses not to, those two people may find they don't have enough in common any more to spend lots of time together.  It's one of the most difficult things, as feelings for the person may well be strong, but frustrations with the differences have arisen. If you do feel that you need to move away, try and be honest enough to talk to them and explain how your feeling.  It might not be easy if they are a partner or someone close, but it may be that they're feeling this too.  If you agree to part, let each other go with love.  Partings don't have to be hateful.  Those that are respectful and amicable and much more pleasant. So before you aim your frustration at another person, try these three steps first.

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What are you prepared to put up with?

by Ros Kitson

02 18, 2014 | Posted in Uncategorized | 0 comments

Creating boundariesThis article is about boundaries.  I've been hearing lately about people who are in unhappy relationships, about those who feel put upon in some area of their lives and those who are just unhappy with their lot. Now, there may be many reasons why this is, but one that often comes up is poor boundaries.
And this comes down to what you are prepared to put up with.
And this is closely related to what you believe you deserve.
Let’s start with relationships.   Does he/she treat you in a way you dislike or take you for granted?  And do you grit your teeth and let it happen or do you stand your ground?
It’s never too late to break a pattern, but it’s easier to set your boundaries at the beginning of a relationship.  Early on in one of my relationships, a boyfriend told me to wear a certain outfit to an event.  Now, I’m sure he was just trying to be helpful and was indicating that he liked the outfit.  However I’m quite sensitive to being told what to do and I certainly didn't want a pattern of being told what to wear, so I deliberately wore something different.  Nothing was said – it wasn't an issue, but he never told me what to wear again.
I wonder, though, what would have happened if I’d decided that I’d wear the suggested outfit in order to “please” him.  I wonder if he’d somehow get a message that I liked this kind of behaviour from him and whether it would have encouraged him to do it again.  We’ll never know, but it can show how the simplest behaviours can set a precedent which creates a lifelong pattern.
I think it’s good to know someone else’s boundaries.  A different boyfriend was always obliging towards me; he always seemed to agree with me on everything.  Although it might seem lovely, it was tiresome.  I wanted to know where his boundaries lay.  My instinct was to push and push until I found them and I had to hold back and be very careful not to treat him harshly.  It was not a good situation.
Over the years, the level of behaviour I believe I deserve has increased and as such my boundaries have become clearer.  Back in the past when I had less self-esteem, I'd be happy to relax my boundaries if it meant I felt more wanted and popular. But, although I had friends, I don't think this behaviour was what attracted them to me.
As my self-esteem was increasing and I was starting to assert my boundaries, I remember a situation with an acquaintance I didn't know very well. She felt I was causing trouble and had decided to “tell me off” like a naughty school kid but I stood up to her making it known that was not acceptable behaviour to me.  I hadn't done that kind of thing before and I must admit I worried about it all night.  I had to see quite a lot of her so it could have been awkward if there was any lingering bad feeling.  But to my amazement, she came up to me the following day and was very friendly, whereas we’d barely spoken before.  It seemed that something had shifted in her view of me.
Some people regularly stay late at work because they think it'll earn them more points with their boss.  Some people give all their time to their friends because they think they’ll appear a better person.  Some people become ever-pleasing to their boyfriend because they hope he’ll love them more.  These strategies are unlikely to work.
There’s nothing wrong with giving of your time or your energy, but it’s important to only do it when you genuinely want to and not because you've created a condition to it.  Often these conditions come from a belief in how the world should work, but they may well not be the belief of the other person.
So, at the end of the day, it’s up to you alone to decide what you’re prepared to give and put up with.
 

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Goals not Resolutions

by Ros Kitson

01 17, 2014 | Posted in Uncategorized | 0 comments

New Year GoalsWell, this is the time of year when everyone talks about making new year resolutions.  The changing of the calendar tends to focus the mind and brings the idea of fresh starts.  This is all very well, even though the beginning of the year might not be the best date for everyone, but resolutions tend to assume we're going to make one big change and then stick to it for ... ever, whereas goals tend to be more of a process with a purposeful end. I'd like to challenge the idea that we are suddenly going to make sweeping changes just because it's January 1st.  I find that making changes is often a bit more complex than that. We can find that it takes us a while to start a new plan.  It can definitely take us a while to stick to a new plan.  And often we have to revise the plan along the way so it suits us better. For example, if our 2014 resolution was to join a gym, we would go along, sign up, pay the money and then try and make ourselves go on a regular basis.  The success rate would be dependent on many things: our time available, our energy available and how much we really wanted to be going to a gym in the first place.  If we stop going, then we can feel we've failed. If, however, we set a goal to be fitter by the summer (how you determine that is up to you), then we might start off by joining a gym, but quickly realise it's not for us.  We might try out a taster day instead of actually signing up.  Maybe we then hear about different types of exercise and try them out until  we find something that suits us. If, along the way, other things come up, we can choose how we manage them with our fitness, knowing we can pick up again when they calm down. But the main difference with goals is that until we get to the summer, we have no way of telling whether we've succeeded or failed as the process is ongoing.  But with the resolutions, we can often feel failure as soon as our plans slip. So be kinder to yourselves and set goals rather then resolutions this year.

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Resistance to Healing

by Ros Kitson

11 30, 2013 | Posted in Uncategorized | 0 comments

Resistance to HealingI recently have undergone some therapy.  I do this often - I think most therapists do, maybe more than most, because we know just how beneficial it is.  But I digress... This therapy included listening to some hypnosis CDs each day.  That sounds easy, right?  Well, I've managed to stick to it, but what was interesting was that I noticed quite a lot of resistance to it at the start. To briefly summarise, the point was to re-programme my subconscious, which is great and just what I wanted to happen.  However, my subconscious, which I learnt recently, only develops until the age of 6, didn't wholly agree that it wanted to change and tried to throw a childish tantrum.  I got some mild headaches and I got very tired.  I also got the feeling that it would be easier if I didn't bother. Luckily,  having been in this business for a while now, I recognised these symptoms for what they were and my conscious (the adult part of my brain) decided to override these impulses.  I also had a gentle chat with my subconscious, thanking it for dealing with things the best it could in the past and telling it kindly that it didn't have to take on all these extra duties, which were really the role of the conscious, any more. The next time I listened to the CD, I felt a much greater relaxation and felt energised at the end. Now, this can happen with any holistic therapy.  As we heal, part of ourselves can want to hold on to the old ways of being.  It may be that the old ways were a form of protection.  It may be that this part fears what will happen when change comes. The key is to be aware of the resistance for what it is.  We can't fight resistance; we have to gently coerce it to change.  Think about how you'd like to be approached in order to change and use the same approach when you talk to your subconscious. You may find amazing things happen.

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The Powerlessness of Rescue

by Ros Kitson

11 13, 2013 | Posted in Uncategorized | 2 comments

RescueI love creating the titles for all my blogs, but this has got to be one of my favourite. Firstly, when I talk about rescue, I'm not referring to rescue from massive environmental disasters, or the sort of essential help we receive when we're ill. What I'm talking about is the need some of us have to rescue people from their problems - the sort of problems they go round and round in circles with - the sort of problems that can impact on our lives by the very behaviour others exhibit - the sort of problems that the other person doesn't recognise as a problem. The thing is, no-one can fix another person.  Their journey is just that - their journey.  As hard and as painful as it can be to see someone suffer, nagging them to change or rushing over to make everything as painless as you can is often not the best of most constructive help you can give.  I'm going to focus on some of the consequences of doing this. Firstly, it can be very annoying.  I remember when I was struggling with various things in my life, people would offer "helpful advice" and then get annoyed with me when I explained why it wouldn't work.  The truth was that, although the advice was logically sound, I wasn't ready to make that step.  I needed to sort other stuff out first and no-one else but me could possibly know what order I needed to heal areas of my life in. Secondly, it can be very dis-empowering.  If you're rescuing someone who laps up the help, it can lead to reliance on the helper.  Also it can lead to low self-esteem if the person feels they can't fix things his or herself and this can lead to a reluctance to even try.  This something I've been taught all the way through my professional training.  Do not encourage clients to become dependent on their therapist in the long term. Thirdly, we need to be aware that rescue might be fulfilling a need in ourselves to be useful, to be appreciated, to be the one who's indispensable.  If these needs are left unchecked, what will happen if the person we are rescuing gets better.  Will we suddenly have a gap in our lives?  Does part of us need them not to on some level?  Or will we transfer our rescue on to someone else?  Some people have a pattern of helping good causes.  This is fine if it's in balance, but it can also mask a problem of not wanting to focus on ourselves. If you find yourself in this situation, I invite you to think about the following questions. Is the help you're offering life saving?  Obviously this is a no-brainer.  We're not suggesting leaving a loved one to die or have serious injury, but are you the best person to be dealing with it.  It might be more relevant to phone the emergency services and leave it to them if it happens repeatedly. Are your worries for the future realistic or are you considering the worst case scenario?  Often our fears surpass what is likely to happen.  If you're not sure, reach out to someone else for an opinion that isn't clouded by the emotion of the situation. What would you choose to do if your fear wasn't there?  Did you already have plans which the rescue would interfere with.  Maybe someone else go to help this time or maybe they could wait a bit until you're free to go. What kind of help do you think is expected of you?   Is the person even asking for help or are they just letting you know what's happening with them?  If they are wanting help, do they mean they want you to drop everything and rush over to fix their whole life or do they want something a lot smaller from you? Remember the best help is that which is given for our greatest and highest good.  Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.  Sometimes it's in the low points that we find the courage or the reason to change. I know that  I often have low points when I don't want to face something about my life, or I don't want to take some kind of action that would be beneficial.  No-one is a higher authority on our journey than ourselves, so be careful not to seem to be taking that authority away from another person.  The best thing we can do for another person is to support them in their journey with love, whilst focusing on our own needs.  

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The Process of Process

by Ros Kitson

08 16, 2013 | Posted in Uncategorized | 0 comments

Process of ProcessProcess is a word that comes up a lot in healing circles.  People talk about being in process or processing stuff, but what does it actually mean and how does it work? When something changes in our life - circumstances, or our feelings about something - we go through a period of transformation.  Sometimes that's quite smooth and quick, but at other times it can be quite challenging. Take, for example, moving house.  When moved from my last house to my present one, both of which I liked, there was a period where I felt uncomfortable in the new house.  I hadn't yet got to the point where I felt at home there, but I'd already left the last place, so I couldn't return there either.  Eventually I made the new place home and things became more comfortable, but the period of adjustment is what we know as the process. One thing that can come up during a process is uncertainty.  That may be one of the reasons I found it hard to adjust my new home - it was all new and unfamiliar. However process happens with other types of change too.  It might be that an organisation or group you're involved in wants to change something.  The tendency is often to resist the change or take it as a personal criticism, but it might be that the change will result in something even better.  We might want to resolve everything very quickly so we know where we stand, but we will probably have to go through a period of process.  If a large number of people are involved then they will need to have their views heard and they may change their views during the process.  The uncertainty can feel uncomfortable until a new equilibrium is found. In the same way, when we go through therapeutic healing, whether we do this by ourselves or with a professional therapist, we are also going through a change. We're changing from the person we were to the person we are becoming.  Although this will be a positive change, the unknown element can make it feel a bit strange for a while.  As unresolved issues come to the surface, we can feel uncomfortable.  As we let go of the old, we can feel a bit empty.  As we take a new step into the unknown, we can feel vulnerable. The key to all this is patience and trust.  An awareness of what process is can make it easier for us. Rather than panicking that we're somehow going mad or that a decision feels wrong, we can ride it out calmly.  It is also important to let others go through their own process.  By recognising this, we can give them space and respect until they have found their new balance. So I wish you the best for your next process.  Enjoy.

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We Fear Change!

by Ros Kitson

05 01, 2013 | Posted in Uncategorized | 0 comments

Fear of ChangeThe credit for the title of this post has to go to my friend, Reid, who wrote this phrase on a piece of paper at a recent meeting.  However, I thought it was worthy of a bit more exploration in a blog article. So, I've been pondering over this for the last few days.  Firstly I wondered how true it is.  Certainly for many of us, we like the status quo and resist change. But then there are the adventurous among us who often head off into the unknown.  I've known people who tell me change is a good thing, and they're right, but do these people also have their fears before they step off the metaphorical diving board? It's definitely true that the familiar is often seen as safe.  We know where we are with the present circumstances, even if we don't like them.  The new and unknown change may be better, but then it also may be worse.  The trouble is that we don't ever really know until we've made the change, and then it may be too late to go back. The familiar protects us.  We know how to respond and what reaction we're going to get.  We know where and how we fit in.  We can easily visualise the future when it's exactly the same as the present.  The new is daunting and it often involves taking a leap of faith into the unknown. So what is going to make us change.  Well for some of us, the thought of adventure is enough.  We take a deep breath and leap with a confidence that it'll be a good experience for us.  For others, change only happens when the present circumstances become too unpleasant, or when external circumstances force it. Now, we're all influenced by external circumstances to some extent. So the way in which we adapt to forced change is also significant in our lives.  Do we fight against the inevitable or do we go with the flow?  Does it really do us any good to fight against the inevitable?  Well, for our personal stress levels, the answer is probably  no.  However there are may people throughout history who've managed to bring about great changes for the positive by not accepting externally enforced situations. Often we don't know what to do for the best.  We oscillate between the different options available to us. Do we change or do we accept?  I find the best way is to try to split the arguments into those coming from the ego and those coming from the soul.  The soul has our highest good as it's focus.  It only wants what will expand us and help us to grow.  It will guide us to that which will fulfill us and help us use our gifts in the world.  The ego focuses on that which will keep us safe and therefore encourages us to do what will enable us to fit in, what will cause the least disruption and often comes from a place of fear.  The soul guidance comes from a place of love. So I invite you to tune in to these 2 voices.  They both have their places in our lives, but it's good to be able to differentiate between them. And lastly, I leave you with these well-known words of wisdom because I think they sum up this subject so well.

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
 

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