by Ros Kitson
I've been asked on occasions in my life whether I'd rather be right or happy and so I now ask this of you. Would you prefer your world to make sense according to your beliefs even if those beliefs will lead to sadness and disharmony? Many people would, although they might not recognise this fact. These patterns run under the surface and are rarely completely conscious.
Or would you prefer to be happy even if this meant challenging the view you've created of the world? Although it seems the obvious choice on paper, sometimes it can take real courage to accept this choice.
For example, imagine that you've been brought up to believe in the sanctity of marriage over everything else and yours is breaking down. Do you stay in order to be a "good" person; responsible, reliable, someone who knows the meaning of a promise? Or do you make the decision to go because it will give you and your spouse a better chance of finding happiness in the future in a way you'd never manage together?
There's no right or wrong choice here. I'm just asking people to be aware of what they are choosing between.
We generally invest a lot of ourselves in our belief of how the world is. The things we believe in strongly literally become our world. These beliefs keep us feeling safe. They keep a certain amount of order in a chaotic world.
When I was younger, I believed that in order to be cool, you had to have some kind of vice. So when I initially decided to stop smoking, I had a massive contradiction going on. I'd already stopped drinking alcohol, so smoking was my last "naughty" habit. I believed that by becoming sensible, I would become boring. Luckily my desire for better health was stronger than this belief and I turned it around. I changed my beliefs and I now feel my life is far more interesting than it was back then.
Some people believe they'll never get over an event that they experienced. They may or may not be right but, by believing that and needing to be right, they are removing the possibility of any healing in that area. I expect we all know someone who carries around the pain from a past event and we often wish on their behalf that they could let it go. Carrying around pain like this weighs us down and can cloud our whole life.
On the other side, there have been instances where people's belief in their healing has helped them in getting over pain. Sometimes our belief systems can work for us.
The key is to know when our beliefs are helping us be happy and when they are working against happiness.
Some it can be seen as a virtue to hold beliefs firm and never waver them. However I'd like to put a contradictory view that it is often healthy to adjust our viewpoint as new information becomes available.
So, if you are the kind of person whose beliefs cause you to be weighed down, please ask yourself the question, "would you prefer to be right or happy?"
I recently have undergone some therapy. I do this often - I think most therapists do, maybe more than most, because we know just how beneficial it is. But I digress... This therapy included listening to some hypnosis CDs each day. That sounds easy, right? Well, I've managed to stick to it, but what was interesting was that I noticed quite a lot of resistance to it at the start. To briefly summarise, the point was to re-programme my subconscious, which is great and just what I wanted to happen. However, my subconscious, which I learnt recently, only develops until the age of 6, didn't wholly agree that it wanted to change and tried to throw a childish tantrum. I got some mild headaches and I got very tired. I also got the feeling that it would be easier if I didn't bother. Luckily, having been in this business for a while now, I recognised these symptoms for what they were and my conscious (the adult part of my brain) decided to override these impulses. I also had a gentle chat with my subconscious, thanking it for dealing with things the best it could in the past and telling it kindly that it didn't have to take on all these extra duties, which were really the role of the conscious, any more. The next time I listened to the CD, I felt a much greater relaxation and felt energised at the end. Now, this can happen with any holistic therapy. As we heal, part of ourselves can want to hold on to the old ways of being. It may be that the old ways were a form of protection. It may be that this part fears what will happen when change comes. The key is to be aware of the resistance for what it is. We can't fight resistance; we have to gently coerce it to change. Think about how you'd like to be approached in order to change and use the same approach when you talk to your subconscious. You may find amazing things happen.
We've all probably been told at some point in our lives to try harder. Maybe by our parents or school teachers, or seen it written on a school report. Nowadays it's very common to hear people say "I'll try" in response to a request to do something. But what is actually going on energetically with this? To start with, the confirmation that you'll "try" suggests that you may succeed or you may fail. It therefore prepares the person you're talking to for either outcome. It also lets you off the hook if you don't achieve whatever you were setting out to do as you pre-warned that it might not happen. Now that's fine if you're referring to something that isn't very important, but not so good if it's a priority. "I'll try and get to the gym this week." If I were to hear those words from someone, I wouldn't be very sure they'd actually make it. The word "try" also suggests a lot of effort. "I'm going to try and push that car along the road." Well, I'll heave and heave and I may shift it a bit, but it's going to take all my strength to do it. Similarly, "I'll try to clean the kitchen today" suggests that this will be a mammoth job that may well take ages and leave us drained to exhaustion. That's not really likely to inspire us to get started. In fact, it creates resistance. I would suggest that firstly, we just make a decision whether or not we truly want to take action. For that, we need to dig down and find out our underlying motivations. What are our reasons for doing it? Are we just trying to placate another person when we have no intention of doing it? Is there buried fear around doing it, even if we're not sure exactly what that fear is? Then if we decide to do it, affirm that we are going to do it. "I'm going to the gym this week" has much more certainty to it. I'd be more likely to believe this. Also, if we affirm an intention to someone else, we often feel more accountable to take the action, which can help us find motivation when it's not forthcoming. By affirming rather than trying, we're going with the flow rather than fighting against the current. Affirmations help create a new reality. If we affirm that we are becoming fitter, then we are likely to attract things to help us create that, including the motivation to go to the gym. If we decide not to do something, be honest. Let the other person know why and be accountable for your choice. They may not like it, but in the long run, they'll probably respect you more for your honesty and for setting clear boundaries. So next time you hear yourself say the word "try", check out whether it is really serving you.
I use the word "aligned" a lot these days, but when I had to spend an evening explaining what I actually meant by it recently, I figured there may well be lots of other people out there who have no idea what I'm on about too. The dictionary defines the verb to align as to bring into line or agreement. I work with energy, so I'm referring to the act of bringing our energy into line or agreement with our goals. Now, although this might sound a strange thing to try and do, we are actually doing it every day of our lives. In order to wake up, we move our energy from subconscious to conscious. In order to go to sleep, we wind our energy down from active to relaxed. When we go to work, we become the person who is an expert at our job. When we are out with friends our energy may change to a slightly different version of ourselves. People who reach their goals easily can align themselves to their goals. However many of us find this difficult. The most important thing to know about this is that we can tell how aligned we are by the results we are producing in the world. If we are aligned with what we are wanting to do, we physically produce results. If we wish to go on holiday, we'll be aligned when we actually make the booking and go. If we wish to set up a business,we'll be aligned when the clients come. If we wish to change a habit, we'll be aligned when we actually make the change. As regular readers will probably have guessed by now, the reason we are not able to align with our goals is that our blocks get in the way. Maybe we want to go on holiday, but we're fearful that taking time off work will cause more stress. Maybe we wish to be self-employed, but relying on such an uncertain income leaves us feeling insecure. Maybe we wish to give up smoking but it's very ingrained in our social culture. But what's more likely, is that we think we're aligned but the results aren't coming because these blocks are hidden from us. What we may experience is resistance to taking action, or we may feel that our heart isn't quite in it, or we may just have no idea why the results aren't coming. The good news is that if we remove all the blocks, we naturally come into alignment with our intentions and therefore our goals. That's the law of attraction: we attract things that match the energy we give out. So as long as we are giving out the energy of being in alignment with our goals, we will attract the physical results of these goals. The even better news is that kinesiology can help even if we aren't aware of our blocks. It has a rather uncanny and brilliant way of bringing them to awareness before clearing the stress they bring. So, now you understand this, I ask the question again, Are you aligned to your goals?
I'm referring to the hidden type. The times when we set ourselves a goal and then struggle to implement it. All the good intentions that we never carry out. The new year resolutions we break in week 1. It all seems so simple when we're in the planning stage but somehow the plans don't translate into action. The reason is often resistance. But obviously it would be too easy if we just sat there and had an argument with ourselves, so instead our subconscious comes up with very plausible reasons why we can't take action. What is underneath this is often a fear - of failure, of success, or something else - but it's often not obvious. And the reason often wants to be kept hidden. Unless we're being very honest with ourselves, we often don't admit to being frightened of success, for example, but anything that provokes a change can scare us. My personal favourite is tiredness (but you could also have busyness, mental confusion, mild headaches, nausea or many others). As soon as I come up against something that challenges me in some way and tries to take me out of my comfort zone, I suddenly feel the need to sleep for a week. I've often wondered whether there is something wrong with me, but having sorted out my diet and my sleeping patterns, I know it's just plain resistance. If I'm "tired" then I can't possibly even attempt the task. But the downside of this is that things just seem to go round and round in circles and I feel like I'm up against a brick wall. It can get very frustrating at times. Recently I was fortunate enough to have some life coaching sessions with Angie Taher of AT Coaching. She describes these resistance patterns as "gremlins" and suggests we directly take back control by distracting ourselves. Clicking our fingers, making a noise, or some kind of movement when the gremlin rears its head reminds us that we're in charge, rather than the gremlin. It might take some time, but by doing this, you're retraining yourself and letting the gremlin know it no longer has any power over you. It might be hard work initially, but you'll come through it stronger and more empowered.