Showing posts tagged with: values

Love, Not Fear

by Ros Kitson

11 09, 2016 | Posted in Uncategorized | 4 comments

Love Not FearI started  writing this blog after the UK referendum back in June, where the result was very close - just over half the people who voted, chose the option to leave the EU.  The initial response to the result was shock by much of the country, followed by anger towards the people who voted differently from themselves. What saddened me then is that our country seemed to have become so divided over the lead up to the referendum.  There was so much anger on both sides against those who had a different opinion. Now 4 months later, that anger is still present.  We've had major division within one of our main political parties over its leadership and now a high court case questioning the legalities of invoking Article 50 which starts the process of leaving the EU.  

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Projection – What Picture Are We Creating?

by Ros Kitson

04 18, 2014 | Posted in Uncategorized | 3 comments

I have been motivated to write about this by some comments on a Facebook status.  So often I find these discussions that show up really interesting food for thought. The post started off with the following picture:

We often find ourselves in situations where we don't feel we're getting a great response from people. Sometimes that will happen, but how we respond to it makes a big difference. So, firstly we need to acknowledge that we often have a desired outcome to our communication.  For example, if I said "hello" to someone, I would probably expect them to say "hello" back.  If they said "yellow" back, it would somewhat confuse me. So the next stage would probably be for me to ask myself why they've said that.  They may be trying to be funny.  They may have misheard what I said and "yellow" might be a completely valid response to what they thought they heard.  They might have some kind of learning disability which causes them to respond in an unusual manner.  Or some other options. So, what most people do in this situation, usually unconsciously, is ask themselves why they might have responded to a "hello" with "yellow".  This means we've missed the option of mishearing because we've already assumed the initial message got through.  We also may make other assumptions which continue to narrow down the options we get. Maybe we decide that there is no way we'd respond in that way because to us it isn't funny, it isn't clever and it doesn't make sense.  Therefore if we were to respond that way, we would be being extremely rude. We then project this onto the other person and deduce that they must have been being rude to us. Then we have an area for possible conflict, especially if the other person projects back onto us their assumptions.  In a more serious example than the one above, it could escalate into a massive falling out. People can often mis-hear of mis-understand us, or we can with them.  What might seem like a perfectly reasonable statement when it leaves the sender can be received in a very different way. People have different values.  What might seem rude or offensive to one person, might not even register on the radar of etiquette for someone else.  This can be particularly relevant where there are cultural differences. but it's best not to assume that a similar culture means similar values. I've found that people very rarely intend to offend.  We want harmonious relationships in our lives.  However, if we mistake our projected meaning for a correct interpretation, we are unlikely to give the other person the chance to explain or make amends. So what is the solution to all this?  It comes down to awareness, as does so much in life.  If someone's response seems strange, consider there may be an alternative reason to the one that seems to be glaring us in the face.  The key is to catch yourself and break the unconscious pattern.  Once you realise you may be projecting, you can consider other possible reasons for their response.  The best way of resolving the situation is to ask the person what they meant by their response.  Clear, honest and open communication can go a long way to clear up misunderstandings. So next time you feel uncomfortable, consider whether you are projecting your beliefs onto the situation.

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Is Perfectionism a Good Thing?

by Ros Kitson

07 09, 2012 | Posted in Uncategorized | 0 comments

I don't think there's a definitive answer to this. Which obviously offends my perfectionist streak?  Ever since I was a child I liked the questions that had a right/wrong answer.  I excelled at maths and science and failed miserably at English. The thing about maths is that you can get the answer perfectly correct. As I've got older, I've translated that desire for perfection onto other areas of my life; craft projects, employment tasks and more recently my own business. I want it to be perfect or else I don't want to play. I've done a lot of soul searching on this - it all comes from my parents, of course.  My father is a complete perfectionist - the type that offers unsolicited advice whenever he sees an area of potential improvement.  My mother is an amazing seamstress and her work is actually technically perfect - a hard act to follow. It takes a long while to get things perfect, which is fine if it's a hobby, but I forget how many hours I've wasted wondering to myself if an advert is perfect enough to bring me in clients rather than just sending it off. Now, please believe me when I say, I don't always believe perfectionism is bad.  If I was unfortunate to need some kind of surgery, I'd hope that the surgeon was a perfectionist of the highest order, but so often we  carry this over to the rest of our lives and put unnecessary pressure on ourselves.  I guess the key is to know when it's important and when it's not. It's also important to work with our own nature.  It's in my mum's nature to spend a lot of time working on her latest quilt. She loves the process and it pays off with the results she gets.  I like producing a finished product, but I get bored if it takes too long, so I'm better sacrificing a bit of quality for the overall enjoyment and the likelihood of finishing it.  I am like my father in that I see errors and imperfections in other's work. Having grown up with his negative criticism, I'm now aware of how this feels.  So I can either balance it out with positive feedback, or I can just decide that it's not that important and let it go. And it's amazingly liberating to finally realise that in everyday life, "good enough" is often good enough. So having dithered for the last few days as to whether this was a good subject for a blog post, I've gone ahead and written it anyway.  You can decide.

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Who’s Problem?

by Ros Kitson

06 22, 2012 | Posted in Uncategorized | 0 comments

How often do we find ourselves moaning about someone we love or have to work closely with and saying "they have such a problem" / "why can't they see they have a problem"?  And sometimes we even try to point out their problem, thinking that we're being helpful. But who's problem is it really? Well, let us look at the word "problem". The definition is any question or incident involving doubt, uncertainty or difficulty. So who has the doubt, uncertainty or difficulty? Answer: the person complaining. So, if  my friend, partner or boss is annoying me with their behaviour, then however unreasonable we can persuade ourselves that they are being, we are actually the ones having the problem with them.  They might be totally unaware of any of this and, in fact, may be quite happily going through their lives without any problem at all. So the next question to ask is: why we have a problem with their behaviour? Have they gone back on an agreed set of behaviours? In which case, we would probably be advised to have a chat and remind them of the previous agreement. Have we expected them to act in a certain way without any discussion or agreement?  This is often the case. We assume other people will behave in the way we would want them to, but they rarely do so 100% of the time. Recognising that you've made an assumption is the first step.  Then honest communication in a non-confrontational way. Instead of saying "you're annoying when you do this", try "I feel annoyed when you do that". By owning your feelings, you make it easier for the other person to hear without becoming defensive.  It's also important to acknowledge that your own feelings are valid. It may be that you have differing values and you don't understand each other's problems. This can be challenging, but not insurmountable, as long as you go into a discussion with a willingness to understand and an open heart. This can go a long way to helping us resolve our problems. There'll be more in my next post.

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